The Moth Effect
by merry holdwine
Summary: Claire is living a quiet life far from the Island and its Monsters. She thinks that all those events happened only inside her head. But did they?
1. Prologue

**The Moth Effect**

**Author: **merry holdwine

**Rating:** PG-13

**Genre:** drama/mystery

**Characters: **All of them but the story revolves around Claire

**Pairing: **Charlie/Claire and maybe others

**Summary:** Claire is living a quiet life far from the Island and its Monsters. She thinks that all those events happened only inside her head. But did they?

**Disclaimer:** J.J. Abrams et Damon Lindelof created Lost. David Fury, Javi and all the writers are also to blame for this success. I'm just having fun with their characters hehehe.

**Spoilers: **Season 1

**Notes: **- My first Lost fic and my first in English... this fiction needs to be beta-red, I know.

- I will try to make a photomanip and choose a song for each chapter... you can see/hear those at the end of the chapter everytime (but read the chapter before!)

- The Prologue and the first chapter were written before I saw episode 1.21.

* * *

**Prologue**

"I'm telling you sweetie", firmly said the middle-aged woman in the corner of the room. "That happened."

"Somebody's been watching the re-runs of E.R. last night!" exclaimed her friend Reggie sitting opposite to her, making all of them laugh. "Don't listen to her," she added for the young blonde woman that was listening to the conversation with a gentle smile upon her face. "She's just messing with you because it's your first day here."

Claire Littleton had only been in the department since the morning of this very day and yet, she was already starting to like it there. All these ladies around her had certainly seen enough pain and tears for several lifetimes and still (or because of that) they had the strength to chat and laugh as if their job weren't being a nurse in the E.R. of a reknowned Hospital of Sydney but helping Santa Claus to deliver Christmas presents. Well, it wasn't as if she hadn't had her share of problems and drama either but- no no no, she wouldn't go down that road again. Her psychiatrist and her had agreed that those Baby/Plane Crash/Island/Monsters/Kidnapping stories had only happened inside her head when Thomas left her two years ago. It is also with him that she decided to go back to the Nurse School that she quit when her mother threw her out of her house. And now here she was, first day of training in the E.R. Finally, her life was starting to take shape.

Suddenly, the door of the resting room slammed open. "Sorry to disturb you ladies," announced Rudolph the receptionist. "But an ambulance is on its way."

"I'm on this one," said Reggie. "Claire, you ready?"

"Wh-what?" she answered, caught off her guard.

"Well here's some action, you have to start some day! Just follow me and don't get in the doctors' way."

"O-kay..."

The two women stormed out the room and got to the main corridor where the ambulance drivers had already gotten the patient out of their car. There were so many people around him that Claire couldn't see anything and she didn't dare pushing people aside.

"So what is it?" asked one of the doctors.

"25-30-year-old guy, around 5'7, found inconscious in the street, probably drug abuse. He wasn't breathing when we arrived but now he is..."

"Wh-where am I?" said a hoarse voice.

"He's conscious!" said Reggie.

"Hello sir," the doctor said as they were setting up in one of the E.R. rooms. "Can you tell me your name?"

"Claire, move!" yelled the older nurse. "Go get me that tray!"

Claire got out of her stillness and picked up the tray in her hands.

"Can you speak louder Sir, I couldn't hear you."

"Are you bloody deaf? My name is Ch-Charlie Pace."

Claire dropped the tray.

Everybody was staring at her.

"What's wrong with her?" the doctor asked Reggie. "First E.R. action I guess."

"Claire, go out and get some fresh air."

The young woman was looking blankly at her hands.

"Claire!"

She moved out of her transe and pushed the double door open. She ran into the closest toilets and threw up. Then she washed her face with cold water. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. 'It can't be,' she told herself. 'It's all in my head. It's a coincidence. I'm sure all the British people say 'bloody' all the time. And that there are a lot of them called Charlie.' But she knew she was lying to herself. There was only one Charlie Pace. He was a musician. He was funny. He was adorable. He used to make her _feel safe_. He drank tea. He counted in sugar plum fairies. He was a _drug_-addict. He loved her. And her _baby_. And she loved him. But he- the Charlie Pace in her head- her Charlie- he was _dead_.

After a few minutes, Claire managed to pull a normal face and got out of the bathroom. Her eyes got attracted to the E.R. room right away. A warm hand touched her shoulder.

"You okay Peanut?"

"Don't call me that!" she yelled at Reggie, pushing her away.

"What's wrong with you?"

"And stop saying that! There's nothing wrong with me!"

"If you say so..."

"So... is he okay?"

"Who?"

"The British guy."

"Oh yes he is."

Claire suppressed a sigh of relief.

"And I wish he were unconscious at least," she added. "He keeps talking and talking... mainly about the rock band he's supposed to be a member of... but I'm telling you, all the Junkies aren't rock stars!"

"Can I see him?"

"Why?"

Claire shrugged as an answer.

"You know him?"

"No-" Reggie frowned. "-and yes. Now that you tell me that, I know why he looked so familiar, I know the band he's in, it's Driveshaft, isn't it?"

"Yeah. You're not gonna ask him an autograph, are you?"

Claire had a look through Charlie's window. Well apparently babbling about his rock star past must have been exhausting because he was sleeping like a baby angel now. She slowly opened the door and closed it behind her. Was it true? Or did her imagination include a random musician she saw once on TV? But no, she was sure she had never heard of Driveshaft before... or did she repress that? It was so confusing. Months and months to forget all about that and bang! It was coming back to her right into her face. She sat in the chair next to the bed. If anyone asked, she could say she was just checking on him. As a good nurse would do.

She looked at him attentively. He looked a bit older than in her memories but that was certainly due to additional years spent in heroine addiction. She got to her feet to get closer and resisted the urge to caress his cheek with her hand.

"Are you bloody staring at me?"

She jumped and almost fell down, catching hold of the chair. His eyes were on her, and they were as blue as she could remember. Only a bit bloodshot with the drugs and the exhaustion.

"So?" He asked. "Did a cat eat your tongue?"

"I-I didn't mean to wake you up."

"Are you a fan?" he said hopefully.

"Oh no no no no no," she quickly corrected.

"Thank you..."

"Oh no that's not what I meant!"

"Then what're you doing here?" he aggressively replied. "Staring at the dregs of society? Reassuring yourself that you're at least better than that?" He moved and turned his back to her.

"No you don't understand... I-" she hesitated a second. "I know you."

She hadn't been meaning to tell him the "truth" when she came into his room. But seeing him, talking to him, almost touching him had woken up too strong feelings inside her. Feelings she hadn't allowed to get out since an eternity.

"You know me?" he said with a mocking laugh. "Well I don't know you so get out of here."

"Your brother is called Liam. He's the one who convinced you to play with the band professionnally. It's his fault if you got into drugs. He has a daughter and lives in Sydney now."

"That doesn't prove anything. You just read junk papers."

"The day you took heroine for the first time... he told you he was Driveshaft and that no one knew who the sodding bassist was..."

Charlie turned back to face her with a very confused face.

"How do you- how do- how? I've never talked anybody about that. Have you been talking to my brother? Did he ask you to do that? Is it another of his fancy plans to _save_ me?"

"No I don't know him. But I do know he... _never looked out for you_, his _little brother_."

"Wow. Woman, you're really scaring me now. Are you a psychic?"

"Oh for God's sake no!" she laughed.

"But I don't understand..."

"Okay. I'm gonna tell you a story. It may seen untrue and invented and there was a time - that ended about two hours ago when I saw you enter the E.R. - when I didn't even believe it myself. But this is my story. _Our _story. Yours, mine, but also Jack's, Kate's, Sawyer's and all the others. And the _Peanut_'s..."

* * *

**The Moth Effect Soundtrack**

_One Fine Day by Robbie Williams_

* * *

**Manip of the Prologue: Claire staring at sleeping Charlie**

just copy and paste this in your browser and replace the _dot_ by real dots to see the manip

i3_dot_photobucket_dot_com/albums/y85/merryart/manipmoth/manipprologue.jpg


	2. Chap1 The Circle of Life

**Notes: **All right I realized that this chapter is a bit fluffy so beware! lol

This chapter was at first written after I saw episode 1.20 but then I saw the rest of season 1... so I had to change some little things... but in fact this chapter can take place during episode 1.20 and between episodes 20 and 21 so yay!

Don't worry, real action starts in the next chapter.

* * *

**Chapter 1 : The Circle of Life**

**_Locke:_**_ What do you suppose is in that cocoon, Charlie?_

**_Charlie:_**_ I don't know, a butterfly, I guess._

**_Locke:_**_ No, it's much more beautiful than that. That's a moth cocoon. It's ironic. Butterflies get all the attention, but moths- they spin silk. They're stronger, they're faster._

**_Charlie:_**_ That's wonderful, but-_

**_Locke:_**_ You see this little hole? This moth's just about to emerge. It's in there right now, struggling. It's digging its way through the thick hide of the cocoon. Now, I could help it- take my knife, gently widen the opening, and the moth would be free. But it would be too weak to survive. Struggle is nature's way of strengthening it._

LOST - Episode 1.07:The Moth

* * *

_It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world. _

Chaos Theory

* * *

"It's a boy!" cried Kate with tears of joy in her eyes. "A beautiful healthy baby boy!" 

"Is it true?" asked Claire, not daring to believe it. "Is he all right? I mean, he's got ten fingers, ten toes and all?"

Kate cleaned him up a bit with a towel and some water before gently putting him down on the stomach of his young mother. "You can check by yourself now", she said, smiling widely.

"Hey sweetie!" she whispered in his ear. "I'm your Mommy. I'm gonna take care of you."

Charlie had stayed in the background during the whole labour, encouraged in this way by Jin but now that it was over, the two men finally dared getting closer to see the baby. A silly happy smile passed accross both their faces as they caught sight of him for the first time. Jin held out his hand to shake Charlie's but he got himself caught in a big hug instead.

"He's so beautiful Claire," said Charlie, crouching down.

"I know!" she cried.

"I can't believe you just made a tiny little real person come out of you."

"I know! I can't believe it myself!"

"Oh by the way", he suddenly said, turning to Kate. "Did you-"

"Yes Charlie," she replied, anticipating his question, "I cleared his nose and mouth."

"Well you know it's just that Jack was really firm about that and-"

"Calm down! Is this baby breathing?"

"Well yeah, I s'ppose so-"

"So I did it right. And you're overreacting."

"I'm not bloody overreacting!"

"You're right. You just proved your point."

Meanwhile, Jin was leaning over Claire, speaking in Korean. Claire had no idea what he was talking about but she was sure it was nice things about the baby. It was strange to see how this man, capable of the greatest violence (or as she heard) could be also so kind. But then he could have been insulting her and she wouldn't have known.

"We'll spend the night right here," said Kate. "You need to rest Claire. Then, we'll head to the beach tomorrow morning."

"Why not the caves?" asked the recent mother." Jack is there, I guess he'd like to see how the baby is."

Kate and Charlie exchanged an uneasy glance.

"Err he told me he'd be at the beach tomorrow," Charlie quickly added, "and most of the people will be there and I guess they'll be pleased to see you!"

"All righty then," replied Claire, already half-asleep. She softly kissed the forehead of her son and closed her eyes.

When she opened them again, the sun was brightly shining and there were no clouds in the blue sky. A classic Island day. She wanted to show it to her child for the first time and she looked at the place next to her but he was not there. She tried to get swflty to her feet but she was feeling a bit dizzy so she sat back again. She looked around her. No one. Where was everybody? Did _someone_ kidnap her baby? Someone like that Ethan guy? She wanted to call out to her son but she remembered she hadn't named him yet. What a terrible mother she was. It was her first day and she already lost her non-wanted-at-first nameless child. Then she heard it. A low voice that was... singing? She finally managed to get up, but more slowly this time, and she headed to the source of the sound. Behind a bush, Charlie was sitting on the ground, singing softly to her baby who was beginning to cry.

"Take a sad song, and make it better, remember to let her enter your heart, then you can start, to make it better..."

"So you're already forcing British culture into his tiny head?" said a now smiling Claire.

Her sudden presence made Charlie startle. "Oh God it's only you."

"Only me?"

"Well you know... not a monster... or a bloody polar bear..."

"Don't start using this kind of language in presence of my child!"

"Oh right, sorry." He grinned. "But I don't think he'll remember it you know."

"Well if you keep saying it, he will!" Her tone was more teasing than reproachful. "What are you doing there with him anyway? And where are the others? I was a bit scared when I awoke."

"Oh well Jin and Kate went looking for fruits or stuff for breakfast and the Peanut-" (see note below)

"The Peanut?"

"Well he doesn't have a name yet right? I dunno, I just came up with that but if you don't like it-"

"No it's okay Charlie, it's a cute nickname actually."

"Anyway... He started to wake up so I took him here not to disturb your sleep."

"That's so sweet. But you know, I think he needs food too. Come here Baby, Mommy has milk for you."

Claire sat down next to Charlie, leaning back against a big trunk and he carefully handed her the baby.

"You..." he began, hesitant. "You want me to let you some privacy?"

"Oh Charlie... it's the most natural thing in the world! And-" She sighed. "I don't want to be on my own for when I feed him for the first time. I mean, what if I don't know how to do it? What if something goes wrong? What if he rejects me?"

Charlie chuckled.

"That's not funny!" she protested.

"Come on Claire... how could he reject you? He's the most important thing in your life now and he knows it! And even if you didn't know how to do that, he'd know for sure! You just said it was the most natural thing in the world!"

"Okay... but stay close to me."

"All right."

So he stayed where he was, trying to look nonchalent as she was unbuttonning her shirt.

"Wow..." she said. "It feels so weird!"

"See?" Charlie exclaimed, yet voluntarily looking away, as if his attention was being kept by a stain on a leaf of the closest palmtree. "I told you it would be all right."

"Yeah you did," she admitted, turning her face towards him. "Thank you, Charlie."

He finally dared to look at her but kept his eyes straight on her face. "You're very welcome."

Jin and Kate came back with plenty of fruits, from banana to guava, and they had a happy breakfast for once. But Charlie had noticed that Kate was forcing herself to look as joyful as they all were. He went to talk to her while Jin was showing Claire some kind of clothing he had found to wrap the baby in it.

"It's Boone, isn't it?" he said in a very low voice.

She couldn't find enough strength to reply and just nodded, biting on her lips.

"Bloody hell..." Charlie looked down and kicked in an empty coconut. "But we can't tell her!" He added, looking up and pointing at Claire with his chin.

"I know... look at her! So happy! But she'll have to know."

"Yeah, yeah... only... not _now._"

"Oh God look at him!"

"It's a he, isn't it, Claire?"

"What's his name?"

"So tiny!"

"Did it go okay for you?"

They had just gone back to the beach and Claire, holding her sleeping son close to her, was now surrounded by most of the castaways asking questions and just plainly in adoration in front of the little boy. Somehow, she was still very aware of Charlie's hand in her back, slightly supporting her as if she was some kind of fragile porcelain. It occurred to her that in the eyes of an outside witness, they'd look like happy parents with their new-born baby. She thought it was a strange idea. But not as strange as the idea of her actually enjoying it. She caught sight of Jack among the little crowd and he nodded at her, as if he knew everything was okay for her and the baby without even doing his doctor things. He looked so tired, litterally exhausted. No, exhausted was not even the appropriate word. He looked _drained_. He exchanged a knowing glance with Kate. Claire wondered what all this was about. And why couldn't he be there for the birth of her child by the way? Nobody told her about that. Jack left to go and meet Shannon and Sayid that were probably coming back from a romantic rendez-vous. 'All right,' said Claire to herself. 'I'll catch up with him later or I'll ask the others about that.'

"No, he doesn't have a name yet but we- I am thinking about it," she replied to Lance.

"Good luck with that!" said Rose. "My husband and I had so much trouble finding the perfect name for each of ours."

"Hey Dad!" said Walt. "Did you have trouble picking mine with Mom?"

"Oh no it was really easy," answered Michael. "You bear the same name as my own father. He died not long before you were born."

"I didn't know that!"

Michael smiled and tussled his son's hair.

"Hey!" protested Walt.

"I really have to thank Locke for that cradle," said Claire, looking at her sleeping baby. "Where is he by the way?"

It was still early, the sun was still high in the sky but they were well protected from the heat by a kind of little hut built from fragments of the plane and palmtree wood and leaves. Charlie felt uneasy but he knew that now was the time to have the conversation he had been avoiding all morning.

"Errr Claire?"

"Hu-uh."

"We need to talk."

She turned to him, her eyebrows frowned and with an intrigued look upon your face.

"I'm sure you've been wondering where the bloo- where the hell Jack had been when you were in labour and all..." She nodded, encouraging Charlie to go on. "Well yeah okay... that won't be easy..."

"Oh please just tell me and get over with it!" she said in a slightly angry tone. "Don't you remember what I told you?"

"The thing about not letting you in the dark." He said, scratching his head.

"Exactly."

"Okay. So... we don't know what happened yet but Locke came back from whatever he was doing, carrying a very badly wounded Boone on his back and when you went into labour, Jack was trying to save him by pouring his own blood into him."

"Oh." Claire was feeling a bit embarassed now. All this time she had been a bit mad at Jack for not being there for her and the baby... "Wait," she said as something popped out in her mind. "You said he was _trying_ to save him? Didn't he- did he- Is Boone dead?"

Charlie's silence was meaningful enough.

"Oh God... oh God..." she said, beginning to panic, "is it again this _Others _thing? You know, with Ethan and all?"

"No, no!" Charlie quickly replied.

"Are you sure?"

"Well we don't know."

"Oh my God they want me back again, don't they?" She got to her feet and started pacing the ground. "What am I gonna do? I can't let them kill you off one by one!"

"Don't start that again! Nobody blames you for anything. And this situation is completely different."

"How do you know?"

"Just sit down and listen to me okay?"

"Okay. But you tell me the truth." She sat back but her legs were shaking.

"Jack tried to ask Locke about what happened but he left right after bringing Boone in the caves. But Boone talked before he... passed away. Kate told me that now Jack is convinced that Locke..." He paused to sigh. "That Locke is responsible for Boone's death." He didn't want to tell her the exact words that Kate reported him. That he _killed _him.

"And you believe him?" She asked, blinking more than usual.

"I don't know... You see, there are a couple of things that I owe to Locke. You remember I told you I had drug issues?"

"Well yeah you told me about that a few weeks ago. But I already told you I was okay with that. And it's not like you would have the opportunity to plunge into it again here."

"What I didn't told you is that Locke helped me through it. I still had some heroine left when we arrived here. But he helped me _choose_ to give up on it. I mean, he acted like bloody Yoda! It's not like he just took it away from me, he made me realize it and change by my own will. And now I'd have to be against him? Against the man that helped me make the hardest but most important decision of my life? Because I'm not gonna lie to you, it was tough." He paused again. "I just find it hard to believe. I've always thought that if there were a man I could have faith in here, it was John Locke."

"Okay... that's a lot of information in thirty seconds." She put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I tell you what, we'll let him the chance to explain. Okay?"

"All right... but now I feel silly."

"Why?"

"This was supposed to be hard for _you_. And now you're the one reassuring me!"

"Well I'm sad for Boone. But I didn't really know him, I mean, I don't really know anybody well because of my _amnesia",_ she mimed with air quotes. "But he was one of us. And now I feel bad because everyone was so kind with me today and looked so happy to see the baby whereas they should have been mourning Boone's death... why did I have to go into labour that very same day? More people could have help Jack and-"

"Would you just stop blaming yourself for everything bad that happens? Boone was lethally wounded. There's nothing anybody could have done to save him. Not on this island anyway. And I personally think that you giving birth was a good thing, a kind of balance you know. A life was taken, a life was given."

"Don't start preaching to me with this whole circle of life shit."

Charlie opened his eyes widely. It was the first time he heard the lovely Claire swearing.

She must have noticed it because she tried to change the subject. "Anyway... Is there gonna be a sort of service or something?"

"Yeah, I think so. In a few hours probably."

Claire suddenly looked thoughtful.. "He had a sister right? Shannon?"

Charlie nodded. "It's gonna be tough for her."

"I think I'm gonna try to get a bit of sleep before the Baby wakes up again. Can you wake me up if the service begins?"

"Sure."

* * *

Note: I'm aware that Charlie calls the baby Turnip Head... but my chapter was already written before I saw that and I didn't want to delete that part. It's not that important anyway. 

General note: Yeah I know I made the baby wait for a very long time before eating... but let's just say it's another Island mystery!

* * *

And that's where episode 1.21 takes place, okay?

* * *

**The Moth Effect Soundtrack**

_Fragile_ by Sting

* * *

**Manip**

The Breastfeeding scene: replace _dot_ by real dots and past in your browser

i3_dot_photobucket_dot_com/albums/y85/merryart/manipmoth/manipchap1.jpg


End file.
